A Postmodern Prayer

WARNING: you may think me strange and unstable…

CAUTION: you may not be strange enough if you think me so…

Calling all artists, friends, wanderers, seekers, believers, doubters, dreamers, doers, fighters, lovers, sufferers, healers, warriors, makers and all honest hopefuls. Hear! This message is for you.
 
Dear God,
love
sex
fun
touch
connection
art
play
clean
beautiful
garden
time
peace
early
friends
food
creation
giving
singing
growing
making
doing
seeing
new
new
new
different
free
free
free
flowers
food
alone
together
please
help.                                                                                                                                                                                           AMEN – a.k.a.: so be it

 

I want to be touched, kissed, caressed, loved, embraced. I want to be away from my ______. I want to be out of this ______. I want freedom, walking, strolling, observing, sweating, trying new things, feeling alive and whole. I want to do new things and see new things. I want to be free. I want to have my own space, my own calling, my own schedule, my own time. I want to have fun. I want to have friends. I want to move in my body and feel liberated to have peace of mind, self-love, self-care, beauty, giving, and connection with others like me. I want a friend I know I can break down with. A friend to call best. I want a deep, fiery love. I want to be told that I am beautiful, gorgeous, brilliant, irresistible, and lovely. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to be free.

Lord, I am desperate. Please God, help me. Show me. Lift me up. Please break this thing in me.

I came upon an old acquaintance who has spent the last several months following her passion and living in total alignment with her identity and spirit. Lord, what are you calling me to do? I am suffering. I am causing my own suffering. This is not the only time I have felt this way or acted this way. Grabbing scraps of loose paper. Scrawling and daydreaming, desperately grasping for something more. Desperately desiring a deep, deep burning passion for something so much more.

It’s like a fever growing in me and the only relief I get is from scribbling unorganized, random thoughts down – screaming – moaning – shouting – shedding tears – until I can finally taste and grasp that unattainable satisfaction of Purpose being lived through and through to the highest degree until my flesh glows with pure joy from walking and breathing my destiny. So far am I now from this that my heart wilts and revolts silently in my chest. My body grows lazy and fatigued from giving effort to a life that I have no loyalty to. I do not see myself in this life that I am living and nothing in me wants to accept it. Nothing. Who would have me live this? For what reasons? Out of fear, obligation, responsibility? Why?

I think that dissatisfaction in life pollutes the body. Even now as I type I cannot fully express the importance of this idea. It is so potent and emotional for me that I can hardly put words into meaning together in a sentence.

Do you ever get that feeling in your heart that burns and burns with longing for something more?

Do you ever find yourself crying out to God in desperation for an answer? Begging for relief from the pain of mediocre life?

It’s plain to see that you were created for a purpose. What if knowing and living that purpose is delayed by the mundane expectations and obligation that envelope our everyday lives? Suffering happens. Suffering is like a low grade fever. Inflammation that creeps into your bones and cells. The heat gets turned up each time you passively compromise your Divine Purpose (even a Divine Purpose you can barely make out in the distance).

PS – This is no way a sign that I am dissatisfied in my marriage. Out of the utmost respect and passion for my husband, I would like to make this very clear. He is my most vibrant source of all things beautiful in this little life of mine. Without him I would not be girded to strive for my desires in life.

If you feel this way, what can you do now to blood-let the pressure? Please speak up. Because I have.

Comments

  1. Perla Petal says

    Thanks for posting! Your words reflect my thoughts, feelings, experiences -they made me feel less lonely and I could derive some sense of strength from the quest that we share with many no doubt but mostly it seems to be repressed, and thus transforming into numbness and abdicating apathy.

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